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  1. #1
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    Question Safe words/systems

    I have been on this and other spanking sites since 2004.
    I always ask about safe words etc before playing in either role.
    Often agree just "to play it by ear" or use traffic lights as most simple method not to exceed limits.
    However i have just been told by a "top" from another site.
    That he will use (for me) number 1 to 10 system. If i say 10 play stops.
    I think this is an excellent system for first time meets when things are usually a bit tentative for both parties.

  2. #2
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    It’s a good system. Just be clear with him that in the heat of the moment you may revert to your own familiar safe word and that he has to respect it.

    Quote Originally Posted by schooldaze View Post
    I have been on this and other spanking sites since 2004.
    I always ask about safe words etc before playing in either role.
    Often agree just "to play it by ear" or use traffic lights as most simple method not to exceed limits.
    However i have just been told by a "top" from another site.
    That he will use (for me) number 1 to 10 system. If i say 10 play stops.
    I think this is an excellent system for first time meets when things are usually a bit tentative for both parties.
    Currently being rather well looked after by that well-known Toppy-Monster-Around-Town, Clovis.

  3. #3
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    I have found over the years that most experienced givers do not need safe words as they are usually good judges of what a disciplinee is suffering and can modify accordingly. However, the takers sometimes find comfort in knowing there is a method to stop the proceedings or if something is amiss. The system I have used, which works well in both role-play and straight activities is for the person under chastisement to always refer to me as Sir so that if they then use my name directly then I know something is wrong. The use of the 'respectful' title is easy to remember and most are used to using it as the form of address anyway.
    I might point out that in 'the role' takers may of course address me by any way they like at the threat of extra punishment but as indicated the use of the familiarity of addressing me directly using first names is a defining moment.

    Hope that might help

    Regards

    Peter

  4. #4
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    thanks for the input katiebug and spankingmentor.
    due mostly to my age i usually "top" these days., and it has been a while since i have found someone willing to discipline me.
    because i have not taken in a long time, i think the "safety in numbers approach" a bit more appealing.
    and gives much more flexibility (as the sub usually has some degree of control over limits)
    i am a mild to medium player, but again one persons idea of medium is another persons very mild. or heavy
    i am certainly not into cold caning/judicial or anything like that.
    i agree that in a lot of cases an experienced giver would not require any safety methods in place.
    but i think in a fist time meet caution must be applied.
    i am looking forward to this immensley. later this month
    i will report back at a later date on how things go.

  5. #5
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    i always watch the body language you can tell by avoidence movements subconcience led twitches to move the bottom away from the hand. I do use a system of safewords for the lady to feel confident ,they are concrete if she feels the slaps are too hard ,feather if too light and helicopter to lift off and stop. Using these they can revel in their fantasy and beg and blubber all they like"oooww not so hard please stop I will be good "etc if they slip one of the safewords in I am ready to react because the mind and the body are not always in sync

  6. #6
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    Well, as an experienced Top, I would be absolutely mortified if a sub I was disciplining did actually USE a safeword.
    It would mean that I had completely mis-read the sub's body language and general reactions to the discipline.
    Thankfully it has never happened, no sub of mine has ever used a safeword.....

    M4

  7. #7
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    Bloody hell, M4male. Give me a few mins to reply without being downright rude.

    No, couldn't do it.

    I believe you to be a pompous fool.


    Bunty

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by M4male View Post
    Well, as an experienced Top, I would be absolutely mortified if a sub I was disciplining did actually USE a safeword.
    It would mean that I had completely mis-read the sub's body language and general reactions to the discipline.
    Thankfully it has never happened, no sub of mine has ever used a safeword.....

    M4
    thanks.M4male
    i understand completely (i do switch) and sincerely hope that going back into sub role after a very long time i do not have to use any form of method to stop the play.
    perhaps it is just me being over cautious with a new (to me) player.
    of course there has been many exchanges between us to try to set the scene to cater for my preferences.
    like youself when i am "top" (which is quite often) i like to think i can gauge the body language of the recipient so as not not overstep the mark (no pun intended).
    however in "top" role, i am more than happy to have something in place, should the "sub" wish.
    i see a regular guy and he has never asked for a safeword, but i would have no hesitation in introducing a system if he wanted it.

  9. #9
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    Unless the system is serving me up an earlier version of this page (entirely possible) I can’t see any context on the thread for Bunty’s post.

    On safe words we have never felt we needed them. Maybe we don’t get as absorbed but we have always found that just intervening in an ordinary but firm voice does the trick if something is in danger of going wrong and it’s immediately corrected.

    OTK is the warmest embrace Bottoms make the world go 'round.' All because the lady loves OTK

  10. #10
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    You just don't understand what a safeword is for, then.

    Any half-decent top would be entirely fine with someone using a safeword - only someone whose ego was more important to them than a partner's safety and happiness would make it about them in any way.

    But then, being experienced isn't the same as being any good.


    Quote Originally Posted by M4male View Post
    Well, as an experienced Top, I would be absolutely mortified if a sub I was disciplining did actually USE a safeword.
    It would mean that I had completely mis-read the sub's body language and general reactions to the discipline.
    Thankfully it has never happened, no sub of mine has ever used a safeword.....

    M4
    Currently being rather well looked after by that well-known Toppy-Monster-Around-Town, Clovis.

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by bunty View Post
    Bloody hell, M4male. Give me a few mins to reply without being downright rude.

    No, couldn't do it.

    I believe you to be a pompous fool.

    Bunty
    .............................

    I fail to see that there was anything wrong with my post Bunty........... All perfectly reasonable and logical ......... don't ya think...???

    M4




  12. #12
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    I too have never heard a safe word from a sub or spankee, but they are all entitled to use one if they want to.

    The obvious thing to me, though, is that it has to be a word that the sub can use instantly. Therefore it should be her/his choice, because that is what will come to mind first.

    The ultimate test is whether the person you've been dealing with asks to come back for more. If you've reached that stage, you're probably good enough to be able to judge the tolerance anyway.
    Democracy is for life; not just for a single referendum!

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    The other thing about a safeword is that as well as being memorable (for instant use) it should be something you wouldn't otherwise use ("ouch" is not a safeword, as the saying goes). So it needs a certain amount of care in choosing if it isn't a common one, like traffic lights.

    On the subject of numbers, my domme tried something new the other day and asked me how bad it was. I said 4. She said she'd expected it would be more than that. I immediately tried to change it to 7.

  14. #14
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    I never use a safe word and won’t play with anybody who wants one. After all it’s a punishment

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    Someone once insisted on telling me a safe word I could use if I wanted to stop but I tend to think I would not take it from someone in the first place who would not stop if I needed it to.

    There is is a big difference from me saying in a jokey way please stop Miss it’s really stinging my bottom and Christ sorry I am about to feint or I can’t take it.

  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Burgundy View Post
    I tend to think I would not take it from someone in the first place who would not stop if I needed it to.
    Wise words Burgandy, I wouldn't either. I've never had to use a safe word after being offered one,(obviously Im a sub !!) but that's not boasting, bragging or being foolish before anyone jumps in, just a fact.
    That chat beforehand is so important and always goes a long way to establishing limits. Every professional I have ever visited, (and that's quite a few over the years) has respected limits and has been able to read tell-tale signs, indeed one or two have called a halt to the sessions and in hindsight correctly before I have, but that's not to say safe words are redundant especially if its someone new you are playing with, of course there can be emergencys, the unexpected could happen and a safe word would be invaluable in those circumstances. Feeling faint,dizzy, cramp etc:
    Even more important though for people meeting away from the professional scene for the first time, safe words with a new partner, maybe inexperienced at reading the signs despite the fact they say they know what they are doing !! then that's a must and if someone wants a safe word and the top refuses then I would say think very carefully about playing !!!!
    I hope I don't get lynched for saying this and apologies to anyone if it gets taken the wrong way but female subs are proably going to feel more vulnerable at the hands of a male top the first time and are going to be even more insistant on a safe word and rightly so than us male sub's at the hands of a female top.
    I'm not into topping from the bottom, I enjoy the power exchange but I have never really felt that completley vulnerable or in a position where I would not be able to stop the session if I wanted (Yes !! even when handcuffed, and bound to a bench !!!!) It's never stopped my enjoyment but I guess that's down to playing with some great professionals and a wonderful lady friend over the years though.
    Last edited by supersub; 16-01-2018 at 16:02.

  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by supersub View Post
    Wise words Burgandy
    That's not a phrase you hear every millennium.

  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by BadAttitude View Post
    That's not a phrase you hear every millennium.
    Maybe its time we now heard your thoughts on spanking topics as well as Brexit and Politics then. This is a spanking forum after all !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by supersub View Post
    Maybe its time we now heard your thoughts on spanking topics as well as Brexit and Politics then. This is a spanking forum after all !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    My thoughts on safewords? Good communication improves all things.

  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by MsLesleyCP View Post
    I never use a safe word and won’t play with anybody who wants one. After all it’s a punishment
    Lets agree to disagree on that.

  21. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by MsLesleyCP View Post
    I never use a safe word and won’t play with anybody who wants one. After all it’s a punishment
    Obviously that's your choice, and many people are happy to play without safe words, I do most of the the time and as I said on the occasions that I've been offered one I've never actually used it but I'm just trying to imagine the reaction on here if a guy had posted that. He would have been ripped apart, told how selfish he was and rightly so.
    Of course if someone wants a safe word then they should have one, be it male or female. It may well be punishment as you say but at the end of the day its also about mutual pleasure, agreed boundarys and saftey. Or have I misunderstood something after all these years about this wonderful fetish that we all love and share together.
    Last edited by supersub; 16-01-2018 at 21:26.

  22. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by MsLesleyCP View Post
    I never use a safe word and wonít play with anybody who wants one. After all itís a punishment
    Not always, it isn't. I have enough of the sadist in me, to enjoy spanking women for the hell of it. And I regularly play with women who want to play for exactly that reason.
    Democracy is for life; not just for a single referendum!

  23. #23
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    Msesleycp
    I never use a safe word and won’t play with anybody who wants one. After all it’s a punishment
    Well, I have to say that I find that a rather dogmatic view albeit one to which the poster is entitled to have. I don’t know why I like being spanked. I just know that I do. I don’t think that spanking is just about punishment. It may be for some but it certainly isn’t for me. I’m in a regular/ irregular spanking relationship and neither of us use a safe word, rather we comment that was a little ‘too hard’ etc. Sometimes we may ask to be spanked harder. In any case that works for us.

    The issue of safety begins for me before we ever meet. I let the other person know what I want and if it’s not want they want then we go our separate ways. How people describe spanking me is an important aspect of safety for me. if people use words such as ‘thrashing’, ‘beating’, ‘discipline’ then it’s a warning to me that they’re not listening to me needs etc but according primacy to their own. I don’t want to be in a subordinate/dominate relationship but one of equality. In general, I don’t want to explore or enhance my limits. I’ll take the cane but I don’t want welts or any other markings.

    This thread raises, for me, the issue of who is in charge of a spanking. I’ve had a few occasions where the other person feels that they are and that it’s for them to control, duration, intensity etc and that my sole purpose is to present my bottom. I believe that it’s the person being spanked who ought to be in control

  24. #24
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    Itís a negotiation between the people involved.

    You can make that decision, but many people would rather find someone who gets that itís a mutual thing and acts accordingly.

    Quote Originally Posted by MsLesleyCP View Post
    I never use a safe word and wonít play with anybody who wants one. After all itís a punishment
    Currently being rather well looked after by that well-known Toppy-Monster-Around-Town, Clovis.

  25. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by katiebug View Post
    It’s a negotiation between the people involved.

    You can make that decision, but many people would rather find someone who gets that it’s a mutual thing and acts accordingly.
    Katiebug.
    Agreed.
    There are obviously people who will have no part of any form of safe word. And they as consenting adults have the right to to so.
    And that is an informed decision reached by both parties.
    I personally would not play with anybody who had a licence do do as they pleased.
    Each to their own.
    On the other hand those who choose to have a safe word or number. are equally entitled to their opinion.

  26. #26
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    As long as I have been Topping I have made sure if a safeword is wanted. However it has to be uppermost in the Top's mind as well as easy for the sub to remember. That said I am more in favour of the universal word STOP, be it even for the sub to scratch an itch. I definitely do not like the number system. As Magnum said the true test is if the person comes back for more and f they do you must be getting it right.
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  27. #27
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    I have nothing against safewords if someone wants to use them then all is good. I get pissed off when people think am a bully or a bitch or up myself for not using one. The people I play with trust me 100% and for that I am very lucky.

  28. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by MsLesleyCP View Post
    I have nothing against safewords if someone wants to use them then all is good. I get pissed off when people think am a bully or a bitch or up myself for not using one. The people I play with trust me 100% and for that I am very lucky.
    Whoa !!! Calm down, no ones calling you a bully or a bitch and no one is suggesting you are up yourself. Its an internet forum with different opinions. If you offer an opinion on an internet forum then you must expect people to offer theirs, some will disagree, some will agree. Its certainly not a personal.attack.
    I was thinking reading back through this thread that it does actually make a change to have a spanking topic that gets some good discussion again and Yes !! with different opinions offered, as recently there have been a lack of spanking topics discussed. (To much Brexit and politics recently!!)
    You're happy to play without safe words and people are happy to play with you. Thats Ok. You've obviously built up that trust. .Many others prefer to use safe words for the reasons we have described. As I said, I wouldn't play with someone who refused to offer a safe word if I wanted one but that's just my opinion. I can't see on here where anyone has called you a bully or a bitch even though many of us have differing opinions to yourself.

    More importantly if any one new to the scene reads through this there is now valuable information being discussed on the topics of safe words with differing thoughts on the subject being offered so people can make their minds up about it.

    Again though I make the point, if a guy had posted your comments he would have really been on the end of some very critical replys.

    Its the internet, its opinions, and the comments on this thread are very light compared to some flame wars I have seen kick off on here in the past with the key board warriors in full flow !!!!!!

    It ain't personal !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Last edited by supersub; 17-01-2018 at 14:45.

  29. #29
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    Yes I totally agree if it was a guy then yes he would have been. I don’t mean to go off on one but get fed up of people thinking am an abuser. Ok can I ask why people use a safe word?

  30. #30
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    Reading this forum I have come to understand that I shouldnít have said anything. My play is completely different to everyoneís on here.

  31. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by MsLesleyCP View Post
    Yes I totally agree if it was a guy then yes he would have been. I don’t mean to go off on one but get fed up of people thinking am an abuser. Ok can I ask why people use a safe word?
    No worrys. And Im sure no one is going to call you an abuser even if many of us have different opinions about the way you play.

    Why do people use a safe word ? I think there's quite a few answers in the thread already but no matter how much you can trust someone its just an extra safeguard. Certainly if you are playing for the first time it can be invaluable until you get to know each other. Its all about that mutual enjoyment. Why wouldn't a top offer a safeword if one was wanted ? What have they to lose. What have they to hide. How much do you trust someone the first time you play. Again, Im thinking even more importantly for female subs rather than us males. OK, with professionals you can read reviews and recomendations etc and I must admit often I trust these ladies 100% even before meeting them simply from what I have read from experienced well known people in the scene. (Maybe I'm a bit foolish as well but I have never had a problem, and have never used a safeword but importantly, and this is where we disagree, I also know if I wanted a safeword Im sure I would be offered one)
    But away from the professional scene how about a potential play partner, someone you have just met at a party for example. Can they read the signs a sub is giving off. Are they experienced enough, how much do you know about them !! guess the best way to describe it is that you can hand over control but without taking any of the thrill and enjoyment away there is still importantly that safety catch available.

    I'm thinking this would be a good topic for some of the professional tops to comment on and to get their thinking on the subject.
    Last edited by supersub; 17-01-2018 at 16:04.

  32. #32
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    As the o.p. i was slightly disapponted with the initial rate of replies.
    However it does now seem to have taken off now and some very good points being debated.
    Which does make a change.
    Most of my post these days are word games etc.
    As so little content on actual spanking related issues.

  33. #33
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    I think we all have different ways of expressing ourselves. I can’t believe you would flog me to a point I didn’t want or couldn’t take. Yes in the mindset of t yes I would have been a bad man or whatever and would deserve to be soundly flogged but if I was obviously not happy you would stop.

    A lot of CP is about what is gong on in your head as opposed to your borrowing i would not want a safe word when I am taking but I would not play with someone who I didn’t trust to stop.

    When I top I spend all my time apologising if it hurts so I doubt anyone with me would need one.

    Quote Originally Posted by MsLesleyCP View Post
    Reading this forum I have come to understand that I shouldn’t have said anything. My play is completely different to everyone’s on here.

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    If anyone has called you a bully or an abuser for refusing to use safewords it wasn't on here, so you probably don't need to get upset with us about it.

    To answer your question, I personally use a safeword for a lot of reasons. Safety is one of them - no matter how intuitive a top is, or how well I know them, they're not psychic and can't tell what's going on in my body or my head. Cramp happens (tummy cramp as well as muscle cramp); realising you're in a position which isn't sustainable and you need to shift or the whole thing will just become unpleasant happens; thinking you're going to be sick happens; remembering you left the oven on happens; anything can happen.

    I also use one on principle: even if the situation is a punishment, it's still a punishment of a consenting, equal, adult partner, by a consenting, equal, adult partner. I play almost exclusively with my partner these days, and I think it's fairly safe to say we know each other, but we still have one. And if I were playing with someone new I'd wonder about their motivations for refusing one (well, I wouldn't wonder, I just wouldn't want to play with them, because we wouldn't be compatible).

    You play how you choose - and no one is suggesting you should change that. But as supersub said, you joined in a discussion and people can have differing opinions without it being a personal attack on you.

    Quote Originally Posted by MsLesleyCP View Post
    Yes I totally agree if it was a guy then yes he would have been. I don’t mean to go off on one but get fed up of people thinking am an abuser. Ok can I ask why people use a safe word?
    Currently being rather well looked after by that well-known Toppy-Monster-Around-Town, Clovis.

  35. #35
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    I would use a safeword if playing with someone new and that is because they don't know me nor my body language and I don't know them. It's simply unsafe and a bit selfish, in my opinion, to expect the other person to know what you're feeling.

    With someone I knew, I would have built up trust but yet the knowledge a safeword is there should it be needed is a buffer against mishaps or disappointments.

    Were someone to tell me they didn't use or accept a safeword, I would never play with them. Each to their own.

    I don't do punishments but supposing I did, for a moment - it's only a punishment by consent on both sides which means if both have agreed upon a safeword, then of course that is still there during the supposed punishment. It's a word to be used to halt play while one or both sides pauses, regroups and either carries on, carries on with some adjustments or it's over for the now. I don't see it as weak or somehow not playing fairly to have a safeword.

    Personally, I never see any play as being successful when ego is the biggest thing in the room. Ego is, in my opinion, a precursor for problems. And subs/bottoms can have an ego as big and loud as any top/Dom.

    On the subject of safewords themselves, I actually like a number system for pace and tolerance and equilibrium. In fact, I wrote a story about that, some long time back, called Ten is Not Goodbye.

    Bunty

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    Bunty.
    Well put.
    I must look that story up.

  37. #37
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    So why do people feel the need for a safe word? Do they not trust themselves to read the person and stop when they know that person as had enough. I have played with lots of bottoms and they all tell me the same thing and thatís most tops stop to soon just because they can see them suffering or there might be a little blood. And why do most subs want a safeword do they not trust their tops?

  38. #38
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    Oh and bunty if you knew me you would see that I don’t have a big ego far from it.

  39. #39
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    176 d 3 h 56 m
    I’ve already given my reasons - maybe you didn’t see the post.

    Quote Originally Posted by MsLesleyCP View Post
    So why do people feel the need for a safe word? Do they not trust themselves to read the person and stop when they know that person as had enough. I have played with lots of bottoms and they all tell me the same thing and that’s most tops stop to soon just because they can see them suffering or there might be a little blood. And why do most subs want a safeword do they not trust their tops?
    Currently being rather well looked after by that well-known Toppy-Monster-Around-Town, Clovis.

  40. #40
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
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    Posts
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    Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch is a good safeword
    At my fingertips I have a device that can access all the knowledge that mankind has amassed over the millennia.
    I use it to look at pictures of bottoms and have pointless arguments with complete strangers

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