life's changes (ST)

[lilmisssonaughty]

I have been a member of this site for e few years now, and at first i was a prolific visitor, engaging in both the threads and the chatroom. I met and made some trully wonderful friendships. Some of whom i am still in touch with today. However my need in the early days of this epic journey was deep and at times overwheming, not sure what i was really searching for though. Spanking for me was the consequence of a much deeper need, the need of DISCIPLINE. I attended perhaps six or so parties in that time and attended whitby twice, once with my then husband and once with my long term spanking partner. I had immence fun in this time and my need was i thought fulfilled. I organised munches whilst i lived in scotland and enjoyed meeting like minded folk. I would see my spanking partner perhaps once a week when his life permitted it and i was satisfied with that, he became my best friend and we shared a bond that far out reached spanking, he eventualy gave me away when i re-married two years ago, sadly we are no longer in contact, real life deals us some horrible deals sometimes, but you have to accept that sometimes you just cannot have everything you want and desire. So why this ramble then, well i no longer yearn for spanking in my life, WHY?? i do not know. I met my husband through this site he was a spanker and i a spankee so it should have been a match made in heaven, and in many ways it is. We are very very happy our marriage is rock solid and every day we have is a bonus, I made the desicion at the beginning not to have spanking in our relationship, i had to prove it could survive without it and it trully has, but did i kill something along the way, or do we change as our life evolves around us. We work long hours 7 days a week running our own business, we have a young family and all the commitments that go along with that. But do i miss spanking in my life welllllllllllllllllllllll..........NO, it has been fulfilled in so many other ways, being loved unconditionally more than fills that space.........what i do miss are the people i made friends with i miss peter my spanking partner. but the phyisical act of being spanked does nothing for me now and the question i keep asking myself is WHY? Do we outgrow it, does it out grow us? i am merely curious, i am not looking to start a tit for tat argument.........oh and spanking was never a sexual act for me.......my spanking partner and i NEVER ever went down that route. I love my husband and my life now,i am content, does that kill your spanking want?? was spanking merely filling a gap? Lmn in serious curious mode.

[JohnLock]

For many people, tastes, needs and desires change as they get older, I have heard it said that far more women than men get out of spanking etc. as life goes on.
I must be stuck with it for life! LOL

Regards
John

[Orson]

Maybe you dont feel you need to be spanked because the reasons why you felt you deserved to be spanked previously are no longer there .

[lilmisssonaughty]

Thankyou orson for your reply, i never honestly thought i deserved to be spanked, i accepted it as a consequence for being cheeky, or doing something wrong. I found the buzz of discipline satisfied my need i still adore being told off, it still makes me feel very safe secure and loved..........but that deep deep gorge that was way inside of me no longer exists.........Mike believes we are too close and that is why it has disappeared, perhaps he has a point.....i have always been able to seperate my spanking life from my real life, they never never ever got to meet...........and never ever would...i am not LMN she is an alter ego, a child in an adults body..........perhaps i have just come of age.......Lmn in reflective mode

[roddy9uk]

Interesting post LMN. If I look back over the periods of my life when the "spanking bneed" was strongest and most pressing it seems likely it was at those times that I had some other problems, times when perhaps I didn't feel fully in control. Not that the LIKING of spanking ever left me but the need to do something about it certainly ebbs and flows. But then (again with hindsight to some degree) I get a great feeling of being in control of myself when spanked. If I can't control the outside world then at least I can control my own reactions to being whacked! This was as true many many years ago as it is now even though all those years ago I didn't recognise it as such.

Perhaps because I don't "need" it to such a degree now I also feel freer to explore other avenues. In the past, when I had an opportunity to attend an event it was a case of "get the spanking organised first..worry about other things later". Now I tend to feel "Let's see what I can get out of this..if its a spanking well fine but no problem if that doesn't happen". As to whether the desire will completely die at some time all I can say is that hasn't happened....yet. I tend to think that after over half a century it never will now but who knows?

[zippy 1 duh]

Lilmissnaughty , I have read your opening post thoroughly ..decided not to read replies so was nor swayed by anyone else ..so I speak from heart. Am 54yrs, and not ashamed of age .
For me I was late gettin into net of PC land ...kids always had PC on go , husband also and was told "Dont touch this that and every damn button, yep was afraid of internet ! Tho always knew I was a spanko..... that deep in gut feeling..... "Im odd, a screwball etc ". Very soon after my mum died , my husband bought me Lap Top ! I entered spanking into google and found here and Happy Tails ( a USA forum ) ........ my life changed ! Dramatically....
I have a non sexual marriage .... not my choice and nothing to do with my "kink"..... conjugal rights withdrawn and made to feel a freak way before found spanko land....... lets say severe abdominal surgery was cause.
For me , when suddenly found folk in this community didnt give a stuff about my "physical challenges" Well life began in 07 ...... and dont care how long others have been around, iv packed more into 2 years than many ! (who are not in a spanking relationship full time ).
I go with flow lmn ..... my husband knows this part of my life is un negotiable, I gave him choice, "Free me to be me and a "freak" in your eyes, but you ditched me remember ...in sickness and health ! Dont moralise at me , Im not having an affair tho in any court Id be vindicated by your choice of leaving marital bed ..I did not withdraw from you,, you dont wish to join my world or divorce and ket me go---your choice!" ... Thats a simplistic appraisal ....
If and when , when kids are grown and flown...it will come believe me !!
My sons and husband know of my alternative life style ..... they are 23, 26 and 30yrs (sons ) and say "Hey mum whatever your happy with!"
Some day, because we are wired /born this way and the pressures of a young family ease ( it will darlin !) ...... go with your feelings, dont deny them
...lifes to damn short .. zips
(now someone will jump in and castigate all Ive said for sure..... but am speaking to you , on line !) .
We all evolve as years go by ..... to me thats a case of growing, being happy in ones own skin ....... and NO ONE spouse or not , has the right to stifle us .No one has right to judge either.......
I do not, as a woman find anything in your post to suggest you want to be unfaithful to marriage vows ( and if you do--who the hells business is it anyway, apart from you and spouse )......... just go with flow

[lilmisssonaughty]

thankyou zippy.........no i have no desire to be unfaithful to my husband, that was never in the equation............i like you gave my first husband an ultimatum, after 25yrs of marriage and five children i to, told him let me be me and start my journey of discovery or we can have nothing..upshot was i divorced him...and do not regret that at all. It is not that i could not be spanked it is that my need, want, desire call it what you want has all but disappeared. And i am questioning myself WHY??......is it something i have done along the way, should i have encouraged spanking to be an integral part of the relationship i was building with mike and risk that it be based purely on spanking or was i right in insisting that our relationship had to be much more than that. I have a brilliant husband and marriage. I want for nothing and if i really wanted to i could find a play partner, or attend all the parties and whitby etc....but fact is i don't want to, which brings me back to my initial post "life changes" and as such do our needs wants and desires no matter how long we have yearned for them or how deeply they are rooted within us. I am and will always be a spanko, i am just not an active spanko..llololol. Yes my family come first but they always have, my older children who are 25 and 28 with children of their own live their own lives, but have no deep knowledge of my lifestlyle, or lack of it even. They do not need to know, and my younger children know i go into Bs occasionally, but do not know i ever actively "played" nor would i want them to know. Just as you would not discuss your sex life with your children i would not discuss my "kink" with them. I am not unhappy zippy, i am the happiest i have ever been in my life, well almost, just one person makes me unhappy, but i think we can all say that about some-one or something at some point in our lives.

[katiekatie]

I have read the above with much interest.....................


Years ago, I was a very active player in the 'scene'. One day without reason, I decided it was no longer for me. I had no desire to be spanked anymore. Like you I did not know why. I questioned it for a bit and then went on and carried on with my life and didn't think about it anymore.

12 years on, the feeling came back! Twice as suddenly. And again, without apparent reason.

My husband is vanilla but understands my need and is OK with me seeing my dom as and when.

So don't beat yourself up! Go with it! I do not think the feeling has died. Its just sleeping for a while!

[roddy9uk]

Originally Posted by lilmisssonaughty

.................... I am not unhappy zippy, i am the happiest i have ever been in my life, well almost, just one person makes me unhappy, but i think we can all say that about some-one or something at some point in our lives.

Maybe that sentence sums it all up LMN. If you read the posts on here on virtually any topic, not just spanking, I think what comes across loud and clear is the "unhappiness" many, most? nearly all? feel in their lives. TTWD seems to provide at least transitory happiness for those engaged in it. Those who are happy have no need of this relief. Again I aqm reminded that my "desire" was strongest at times when life was definitely posing problems. What you say at least adds weight to this barely formed theory! Sometimes other things took its place. There was an undeniable masochistic pleasure to be found in sitting in a muddy trench in the rain eating barely warm food from a mess-tin. How could a simple spanking compare with that!

[lilmisssonaughty]

Roddy, i believe you do have a significant point.........Mike and I met through this site, but what we have is a wonderful secure and loving life together, we are so in tune with each other that we often finish each others sentences and know what the other is thinking without even asking. My life has never been this happy and settled, and i have never been this loved by someone in my entire life...yes i am happy very very happy but it is an all round happiness not just a superficial feeling as i felt after a spanking, where you soon felt yourself falling down. And katie thankyou for those words i will file them in my memory and if in 5, 10, 12, 15 yrs my need want desire returns i will silently thankyou for giving me a positive thought to hold on to...thanks.....lmn in decorating mode.....(well the decorator is due today)

[mypoorbottom]

Lmn I think it says so much when you describe your happiness with your husband. You both made a conscious decision not to include spanking between you in your life. I can understand that. For me, there are always another set of dynamics going on within a spanking included relationship. As long as you are both so happy, you probably have found that you don't need the ups or downs that spanking can bring to a relationship. That may well change in the future. But to me you have found a man who loves and cherishes you, and that is the greatest gift of all.

Take Care,

mpb xx

[oyk4some]

Having known you a long time and helped you through a problem or two, I feel I know know you quite well.

You talk as if your first husband didn't want you being who you are. I haven't met anyone who accepted a partner to be a spanko more than him. I also know that you had an extraordinary relationship with your regular spanker at the time, it was good to see both hubby and spanker get on so well.

You often told me that you wouldn't play with hubby because he spanked too hard, well I expect it was just that he spanked differently to your regular spanker, as you could take a hard spanking from him.

I wonder if your change of heart, when you got together with Mike, is because you know he spanks differently than the regular spanker and maybe deep down you were afraid that you would 'go off' Mike because of it. You will never find someone like the person you gave up for Mike, the spanker that is, and maybe you don't want to.

[LadyK]

In reflective mode myself now lmn This one caught my eye and I have enjoyed reading your original post and all the replies.
I found someone myself on another site, closer to home than here. I am not with him tonight as I went back to mine for a very rare visit, and hence why I am up late. We have been together for nearly 3 years, and in that time the spanking has dwindled out of our relationship. And I can honestly I don't miss it at this time, who knows maybe in the future it will become apart of our lives again.
I am extremely happy with him and maybe that is partly why, there is a side to him though that is constantly on show for me and maybe that is enough for now. My partner is a cross dresser and does dress once he comes home each day, I guess I get enough of a thrill out of that.
Now if someone had told me 20 years ago I would fall in love with someone like him, I would have been horrified, oh how life can change us
I am glad your life is going well lmn, and if the urge to spank does return, just go with the flow and enjoy life as much as you are now

[suzeemoon]

Brilliant, but complicated and somewhat sensitive thread - here's my two penn'orth...
Whether spanking is or isn't sexual for people, it is an urge. Some welcome it and some don't. Attitudes to whether it is a curse or enhancement are similar to feelings around sex - Some of us wish 'it' would go away and feel a sense of relief whan it does. Others enjoy the spark it gives us and the feeling of being alive.
I have been in a vanilla relationship that became celibate. My partner seemed to feel free of the 'itch' and quite happy to be 'past all that'. I didn't. I see the same would be true of spanking. If a couple are happy to no longer want sex and/or spanking in their lives that is great. Similarly where a couple feel more alive because of their particular 'urge' still being with them - that too is great. We are lucky to have enmeshed needs in a relationship. neither is better - just different.
I don't want to focus on any people in particular as I don't know enough and do not wish to intrude but I am curious about the notion of spankos choosing not to spank in a more meaningful relationship as LMN describes. For me a spankee finding soulmate who wants to spank her or him sounds like an amazing combination. While it is possible to have a 'purer' relationship by not choosing spanking and/or sex I don't see why one would, as both are just fabulous with the one you love. I think of it as a 'gestalt' effect - that somehow certain intimacies are wonderful and the whole relationship can be so much more than the sum of the parts. Walks in the wood, discussing books, watching films, being 'peaceful and easy', tenderness and laughter do not lose meaning when shared with someone who spanks me - quite te opposite.
I am genuinely intrigued by what may be gained by not 'indulging' in activities enjoyed by both - whether spanking, sex or something else. I can see a possible spiritual dimension, but I just don't get it. if anyone is comfortable to explain, I'd appreciate it.

[hollykins]

lmn, I know we are not aquainted, but your opening post was so interesting that I wanted to reply.

Probably the reason you are so happy is that yours is a real relationship based on mutual love and understanding and not based on your mutual spanking needs being met.

Some relationships in this scene appear somewhat shallow and seem to be beset with conflict. I wonder if this is because they are basically 'play' relationships that are under stress because those in them want them to be more than that when actually they might be happier just seeing them for what they are....fun, play relationships that are based on meeting each other's spanking needs?

I remember telling my own lovely man many months ago that if he were never able to 'play' with me again it would not make the slightest difference to me because I am with him for deeper, more meaningful reasons than simply because he spanks me and indulges my bdsm side. I do wonder how many relationships in the scene would survive if one partner could no longer play ?

Best wishes to you both

Holly.x

[ailsamary]

i had seen this post but was struggling with how to say it; but i would agree with holly, sometimes HH and i dont play at all just to other stuff, though i know he worries about it sometimes,

but really it doent matter cos i know he's there for all the right reasons and it all just feels right

[hollykins]

Originally Posted by ailsamary

i had seen this post but was struggling with how to say it; but i would agree with holly, sometimes HH and i dont play at all just to other stuff, though i know he worries about it sometimes,
but really it doent matter cos i know he's there for all the right reasons and it all just feels right

Kewl ailsa !

You're right about it just 'feeling right'.

RN and I, whilst having a hugely fun and busy scene life, also love just spending time with each other doing other stuff too..........tearing around on his Bandit being only one of them. Yesterday we were out for about 10 hours zooming from here to there and the next place. Just enjoying the sun, the speed and being together. Fabulous